


Moving Forward

by LibraryMage



Series: Break Your Chains [34]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Autistic Ezra Bridger, Father-Son Relationship, Found Family, Gen, Past Child Abuse, Platonic Cuddling, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-07-12 13:25:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15996140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LibraryMage/pseuds/LibraryMage
Summary: Lothal has been freed from Imperial control.  Capital City is being rebuilt.  Ezra has left the medcenter and is truly safe for the first time in years.  But things have never been that simple, and Ezra knows they never will be.  All he can do is what he's always done: move forward and survive.A series of oneshots set shortly after Endgame.





	1. Rebuilding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three months after the liberation of Lothal, rebuilding is underway, but Ezra can't be a part of it yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: references to mass death and destruction; references to child abuse; self-loathing caused by guilt and stress; references to torture

Ezra sat down on the platform, letting his legs dangle over the edge as he stared out toward the city in the distance.  He’d found this abandoned communications tower when he’d wandered away from home, and it had become one of his favorite places to hide.  He could see the city of his birth without actually having to go there, risking being recognized by someone or getting overwhelmed as he so easily did these days.

In the three months since the dome’s destruction, the landscape hadn’t changed much, though Ezra knew it soon would.  Parts of the city that had been hit the worst by the bombardment were being cleared and eventually would be rebuilt.  Even the places that hadn't been completely destroyed needed buildings to be repaired and holes in the streets filled in.

Sabine was helping to design a memorial.  It would go up in the middle of the city, commemorating everything the planet had lost under the Empire, not just those who’d died in the attack.  There had been fourteen deaths during the initial bombardment, but dozens more who’d died in the days immediately following it, most of them in buildings that had collapsed before anyone realized they had structural damage.

The deaths and ruined buildings weren’t the only thing haunting the city.  There were thousands of people who’d lost everything to the Empire.  Families ripped apart by arrests and executions and relatives going into hiding, kids without any idea where their parents were or if they were still alive, farmers forced off of land now destroyed by mining, people left without anywhere to go.  There were handfuls scattered Imperial troops who hadn't been inside the dome when it was destroyed.  Some had surrendered, but some were still being tracked down.  It seemed like every day, some new problem was discovered.

Ezra leaned his forehead against the railing.  He just wanted to be able to do something more to help, but he couldn’t.  Not just because he was _still_ , after more than a month in the medcenter and nearly two more outside of it, healing from his injuries, but because he knew he wouldn’t be allowed to help directly anyway.  Though it hadn't come yet, they were still awaiting an Imperial attack, and knowing that the two Jedi on Lothal had survived might bring the Empire down on the planet sooner.  For now, Ezra had to stay dead.

As Ezra stared over the ledge, down the steep drop to the ground, he heard the telltale sound of someone’s boots against the rungs of the ladder that led to the top of the tower.  He knew it was Kanan.  No one else knew about this hiding spot of his.  He must have been gone for a while now.  As Ezra healed, he’d been given more and more freedom of movement, but if he disappeared for too long, Kanan began to worry and would always come looking for him.

“You okay?” Kanan asked, crossing the platform and sitting down beside Ezra.

“How’d you know I was here?” Ezra asked, deliberately avoiding the question when he didn’t know how to answer it.  He didn’t bother to wonder why Kanan was asking.  Kanan had been asking that question a lot lately.

“You’re here a lot,” Kanan said.  “And you didn’t answer the question.”

“I’m fine,” Ezra said.  “I just wish I could do more.  And I…I wish my parents were here to see this.”

Kanan slid his arm around Ezra’s shoulders, hugging him close.

“I wish they were here, too,” Kanan said.  “They’d be so proud of you, Ezra.  They should’ve gotten to see what you did for this place.”

“They fought so hard for this,” Ezra said.  “They just wanted Lothal to be free.”

“And now it is,” Kanan said.  “You finished what they started.”

Ezra leaned his head against Kanan’s shoulder, letting in the warmth and comfort that Kanan was offering.  The exhaustion he’d felt since he woke up in the medcenter was so much deeper than just what he felt physically, and sometimes it seemed like Kanan was the only thing keeping him from collapsing.

“Why don’t I take you home?” Kanan asked.

Ezra hesitated, though he didn’t know why, before he nodded.  Kanan stood, offering a hand to help Ezra up.  Ezra accepted it without comment and followed Kanan back to the ladder.  It was a long climb back to the ground, but Ezra found it easy enough to manage.  The exhaustion he felt right now wasn’t as much the physical kind.  Once he was on solid ground again, he shoved his hands into his pockets and followed Kanan, keeping his eyes on the ground at his feet.

For now, “home” didn’t actually mean the _Ghost_.  With Kanan and Ezra both being considered dead and Ezra being forced out of the action, they hadn't been living full-time with the rest of the crew, who were still running jobs monitoring Imperial activity in the sector, assisting rebel cells on nearby planets, and smuggling refugees from places that hadn't been as lucky as Lothal.

The  _Ghost_ would always be their real home, but it was just too much of a risk to have Kanan and Ezra around all the time.  After a week of camping out in the wilderness, Ezra had been the one who’d discovered an old cabin, abandoned years if not decades ago.  His first instinct had been to leave it alone, but they’d taken shelter inside it when a dust storm had hit, and had been using it as their home base ever since.

They still saw the other members of the crew as often as they could, but all of them were still in the fight, protecting Lothal and fighting for the surrounding systems, so long stretches of time would pass when it was just Kanan and Ezra alone.  Guilt gnawed at Ezra’s chest whenever he thought about it.  Not just because of his own inability to help, but because Kanan was with him.  Even if he was pretending to be dead, there was still plenty Kanan could do, but instead he was taking care of Ezra.

Even though he understood why Kanan was caring for him, it didn’t make Ezra feel any better about it.  He could take care of himself.  He’d survived completely on his own for two years before Maul had found him.  After that, Maul had kept him fed and clothed and protected and had trained him in the ways of the Force, but he’d never been very nurturing guardian.  Ezra hadn’t had someone to lean on emotionally the way he leaned on Kanan; not since his parents had been arrested.

When they reached the cabin, Ezra sat down on his bed, the only place he could sit.  The cabin was small, with three rooms: one room each that Kanan and Ezra had claimed, and a small refresher.  It was tight quarters, but neither of them minded.  They'd both slept in much worse places before.

“There’s something else, isn’t there?” Kanan asked, sitting down on the bed beside Ezra.  “More than just missing your parents.”

It was just a statement of fact, with no expectation behind it.  Ezra knew Kanan wasn’t going to push him into talking about things he didn’t want to share.  It was what made him actually feel okay talking to Kanan.

“You don’t have to do this,” Ezra said.  “I know I’m -- I know I can't be there, helping the others.  I’m too…” _weak, broken, scared,_  “…I’m still healing.  But I know you want to help them as much as I do, and you _can_.  You shouldn’t be stuck here babysitting me.”

“That’s not what I’m doing,” Kanan said.  “You  _are_ still healing, and you shouldn’t have to deal with this by yourself.”

“I did before,” Ezra said.  “I was on my own, and after Maul found me…sometimes he took care of my injuries, but he didn’t always.  And I did fine taking care of myself.”

“I know,” Kanan said.  “But just because you know how to take care of yourself doesn’t mean you should have to do it all the time.  You’re my son, Ezra.  It’s my job to take care of you.”

“The others are your family, too,” Ezra pointed out.  “You shouldn’t just be focusing on me.”

“For now, I should,” Kanan said.  “You were in a coma just a couple of months ago, and before that…Ezra, the things you’ve been through wear on a person.  I know how tired you are and how much pain you’re in all the time.  I know you cry and scream in your sleep, and sometimes you spend all day in bed.  You just need a little extra taking care of right now, and that’s what I’m supposed to do.”

“So you’re not going to let me take care of myself until that stops?” Ezra asked, his voice bitter.

“That’s not what I meant,” Kanan said.  “I know it might never stop.  I just meant that I know how much you want to be strong, and you are, but that doesn’t mean you have to do everything for yourself.”

“I don’t want to keep you from doing something important,” Ezra said quietly, staring down at the floor.

“There is nothing more important to me than my family,” Kanan said.  “The most important thing I can do right now is be here for you.”

Ezra felt tears stinging at his eyes and impatiently brushed them away, only for more to take their place.  He didn’t really _want_ Kanan to leave.  He wanted -- _needed_ \-- Kanan to stay with him.  But he didn’t want Kanan to feel trapped, stuck here taking care of him when Ezra _knew_ he wanted to do more to help.

“Why don’t you get some rest?” Kanan said.  “Things usually look better when you wake up.”

“Can you stay until I fall asleep?” Ezra asked, his voice shaking slightly.  He felt so childish for even asking, even though he’d spent a lot of time on the _Ghost_ sleeping in Kanan’s room.  He was eighteen now.  Why did he still want this?

“Of course I can,” Kanan said.

Kanan waited for Ezra to lie down and pull the blanket over himself before lying down next to him and putting an arm around him.  Ezra nestled against Kanan’s chest, closing his eyes and letting himself think for just a moment that they were back on the _Ghost_ , with the rest of their family.  He let himself pretend that Maul abducting and torturing them hadn't happened, that his encounter with Sidious hadn't happened, that _none_ of it had ever happened and he’d always been Kanan’s padawan, Kanan’s son, safe and happy with the crew.

“Kanan?” Ezra said, his voice already a tired mumble.  “Do you think we could start training together again?”

“Do you think you’re up for it?” Kanan asked.

“I think I’m ready to try,” Ezra said.

“Then we will,” Kanan told him.  “Tomorrow.”

Ezra nodded and finally let himself sink into the darkness that hovered at the edge of his mind, letting the last thing he was aware of be Kanan’s arm holding him tightly, protecting him, shielding him, just like he always had.


	2. Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set a week after "Rebuilding."
> 
> Just because Ezra is out of the medcenter doesn't mean the pain has stopped.

Every part of Ezra’s body ached.  From the moment he’d opened his eyes, he knew that trying to get up would just hurt more.  So he’d stayed where he was, staring at the wall beside him, unable to fall back asleep and unable to move.

He and Kanan had been sparring the day before.  Kanan hadn't been hard on him.  In fact, Ezra knew his father had been holding back, going easy on him so he wouldn’t push him too far.  But in the end, it hadn't mattered.  Ezra had still woken up sore and aching far more than he should be after a simple sparring session.

Ezra heard footsteps behind him and knew that Kanan was checking on him.  Whether Kanan had sensed his pain through the Force or was just looking in on him, Ezra wasn’t sure.

“I’m awake,” Ezra muttered, though he didn’t know if Kanan could already tell or not.

“Are you okay?” Kanan asked.

“I’m fine,” Ezra said.  The words were rendered meaningless a second later as a sharp pain shot through his back and he groaned and curled in on himself.

“Ezra,” Kanan said, his voice firm, but gentle.

“It hurts, okay?” Ezra said.  “Everything hurts.”

“I’m sorry,” Kanan said, sitting down on the edge of Ezra’s bed and gently putting a hand on his shoulder.

“It’s not your fault,” Ezra said.  “I know you were going easy on me.”

“Apparently not easy enough.”

“I’m not made of glass,” Ezra said, forcing more bitterness into his voice than he actually felt, just to make a point.

“You’re not made of durasteel, either,” Kanan said.

“Really?” Ezra asked, the bitterness genuine this time.  “I couldn’t tell.”

Kanan’s hand moved across Ezra’s back, trying to soothe him, and Ezra felt the corners of his eyes begin to sting.  He couldn’t even bring himself to turn over and face Kanan.

“Do you want your pills?” Kanan asked.  Ezra didn’t have to look to know he was already reaching for the bottle.

“Yes,” Ezra said after a moment of hesitation.

He heard the soft rattling sound as Kanan picked the bottle up and removed the cap.  Whenever Kanan did that, Ezra never knew how to feel about it.  He resented it a little, that Kanan thought he couldn’t do it himself, but in the beginning, on Ezra’s worst days, he _couldn’t_ , and it was better to have Kanan just do it than to ask.

Kanan handed Ezra the open bottle and Ezra began carefully shaking one pill into his palm.

“Wait,” Kanan said.

Ezra sighed as Kanan stood up and walked to the refresher.  He heard water running for a second before Kanan returned.  He put a hand under Ezra’s back and carefully helped him to sit up.  Ezra clenched his jaw to keep himself from making noise, but couldn’t stop a small whimper of pain from escaping his throat as he moved.

“Here,” Kanan said, handing Ezra a canteen of water.

Ezra swallowed the pill, following it with water without comment.  He carefully set the bottle of pills and the canteen down beside the bed before lying back down.  Kanan gently ran his hand across Ezra’s back again.

“The pills should help,” Kanan said.

“I’m tired of needing them,” Ezra muttered.

“I know,” Kanan said.

Ezra’s head began to feel like it was filling up with something fuzzy and prickly.  At least his pain pills took effect quickly, so he didn’t have to lie there and wait.  But it made it so hard to move, to talk, to _think_.

“You’ll be okay, Ezra,” Kanan said.

The last thing Ezra remembered feeling before he drifted off again was Kanan’s hand on his forehead, Kanan’s presence in the Force wrapping around him like a blanket, protecting and shielding him and easing his pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter's so short. The next one will be longer.


	3. A New Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While trying to get some fresh air away from home, Ezra makes a new friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: references to child abuse and starvation

Ezra woke to the feeling of something tickling his face.  He squeezed his eyes shut even tighter, not wanting to wake up yet.  When the feeling persisted, he sighed and opened his eyes to see a loth-cat inches from his face, nudging at him with its nose.

Ezra groaned and pushed the cat away as he sat up.  As he leaned back against the base of the tree he hadn't even realized he’d fallen asleep under, the gray cat climbed onto his lap and curled up, resting its head on his knee.  Ezra absently ran his hand across the cat’s spine as he looked up, trying to judge how much time had passed by the sun’s position.

It had been four months now since Ezra had woken up in the medcenter, and though that bone-deep tiredness that had stuck with him was slowly beginning to fade, it hadn't gone away completely.  He’d told himself he would just be sitting down to rest for a minute, and ended up spending at least an hour asleep.  If the loth-cat hadn't gotten curious, Ezra didn’t know how long he would have stayed there.

“Thanks,” Ezra muttered, scratching the cat behind the ears.  It let out a soft purr and rubbed the side of its face against his knee.

Ezra picked up the cat and gently set it on the ground before standing up.  The cat made an annoyed noise before standing up itself, arching its back in a stretch, and beginning to twine itself around Ezra’s ankles.

“I have to go home,” Ezra told the cat as he carefully stepped out of the spot it was trying to keep him in.

After a few failed attempts, Ezra finally managed to disentangle himself from the cat and began making his way back home.

As Ezra walked, he added this to his mental list of places he’d fallen asleep.  He’d been doing it a lot, falling asleep whenever he took a moment to relax, nodding off whenever things got quiet, even during conversations with other people.  It had worried Kanan and Hera enough that they’d taken him back to the medcenter, where they’d been assured that there was nothing physically wrong with Ezra that was causing the problem.  At least, nothing that hadn’t been wrong before.  He was just tired, even more than he realized.  After that, Ezra had given up on pretending he wasn't.  It made things a little easier, but falling asleep in strange places was still frustrating, and, when he had nightmares, frightening.

Ezra jumped and stopped in his tracks as something brushed against his ankle.  He looked down to see the same gray loth-cat nudging the side of its face against his leg.

“Don’t you have loth-rats to chase or something?” he asked.

The cat batted at Ezra’s foot as if to indicate that that was exactly what it was doing.  Ezra sighed and kept walking, the cat trotting along beside him.

As Ezra drew closer to the cabin, he heard the crackling and popping of a fire.  As if on cue, his stomach growled and he picked up his pace.  It had been so long since he’d had to worry about food disappearing before he could get to it -- even Maul had only starved him once or twice -- but after all these years, the instinct to act quickly when food was involved was still ingrained in him from his time on the streets.

Once Ezra was within sight of the cabin, the loth-cat seemed to lose interest in following him and darted off in another direction.

“I’m back,” he called, though it wasn’t necessary.  Kanan would be able to hear him and sense him.

“I was starting to worry,” Kanan said.  He was seated beside the fire he’d started in the pit the two of them had dug outside of the cabin, his face turned toward the flames as if he was staring into them.

“I…I fell asleep,” Ezra said, his voice a low mumble as he sat down beside Kanan, embarrassed to admit it.  “I just sat down for a minute and then…”

“Are you okay?” Kanan asked.

“I’m fine,” Ezra said.  “I’m not even tired anymore.”

“As long as you’re sure --”

“I am,” Ezra said.  “Really.  I’d tell you if I wasn’t.”

Kanan nodded, acknowledging Ezra’s words and letting him know he believed them.  After a moment of silence, he held out a hand toward the fire, reaching through the Force and pulling two objects from the pit: bundles of metallic foil.  Ezra could smell cooked meat and vegetables as they settled onto the ground in front of him and Kanan.  He reached for his, wincing as he pulled the foil open.

“How many times do I have to tell you to let it cool?” Kanan asked.  Ezra hadn't even needed to make a sound for Kanan to know he’d burned himself.

“I’m fine,” Ezra said, rolling his eyes, though it didn’t have the same effect as it would have before…  Ezra didn’t want to let himself go back there.  Not right now.

Ezra heard a rustle in the grass beside him and looked down to see that the loth-cat had returned and was now sidling up to him, eyeing his food.

“Thought you had better things to do,” Ezra said, holding out a hand and letting the cat nudge its face against him.

“Sounds like you made another new friend,” Kanan said.  By now, it wasn’t unusual for him to find Ezra sitting on the ground outside, talking to or having a silent staring contest with a local animal.  Ezra knew that Kanan was a little grateful that no loth-wolves had wandered their way yet.  Ezra didn’t blame him.  The wolves tended to unsettle him, too.

“Yeah,” Ezra said.  “This one woke me up and followed me home.”

Ezra reached into the still-hot bundle of foil in front of him and carefully removed a smaller chunk of meat, placing it on the ground beside the loth-cat, who mewed happily before biting into it.

“Are you feeding it?” Kanan asked.

“Maybe,” Ezra said with a grin, pulling his hand away from the cat.

“You know if you do that, the animals will think we’re a food source,” Kanan said.

“I know,” Ezra said with a sigh.

The loth-cat looked at him expectantly for a moment before padding toward him and rubbing its head against his knee.

“Sorry,” Ezra said, scratching the cat behind the ears.  “That’s all.  I know there's plenty of prey you can catch, anyway.”

The cat purred at the gesture of affection and laid down beside Ezra, its back to the fire as if it was trying to keep warm, though it was plenty warm enough without it.

“You know,” Kanan said.  “If we have to pretend we’re dead, I’m glad you can still make some friends out here.”

“Yeah,” Ezra said, gently petting the cat with one hand.  “Me, too.”

* * *

 

When Ezra woke the next day, he felt something small and warm beside him.  As he opened his eyes, he saw the loth-cat curled up on the bed beside him.  It had been warm the night before and Ezra had left the window open, which the cat had clearly taken as an invitation to come inside.

“Hey,” Ezra said, scratching the cat behind the ears.  The cat’s left ear twitched, but the animal didn’t get up, perfectly content to stay right where it was.

For a moment, Ezra stayed there, curled on his side, staring at the loth-cat with unblinking eyes.  He quickly got bored with that and stood up, stretching muscles that were aching much less than they usually did in the morning.  The cat, disturbed by his movement, did the same, its paws stretching out it front of it as it yawned before turning around in a circle and settling back down with a contended _mew._

“That wasn’t you, was it?” Kanan called from the other room.

“No,” Ezra said with a yawn.  “Loth-cat.  Same one from last night.  I think it climbed in through the window.  Or…”

Ezra reached down and picked up the cat, holding it up to eye level.  The cat squirmed, clearly not happy with the uncomfortable position.

“ _He_ climbed in through the window,” Ezra said, cradling the cat gently in his arms.  The loth-cat began purring once he was settled again.  “I think he likes me.”

“It’s getting really hard to find animals that don’t like you,” Kanan said, entering the room and absently running a hand over the cat’s fur.  He hesitated for a second before doing the same to Ezra’s hair, as though he was another cat.

“Stop,” Ezra said, ducking away from Kanan’s hand, though he was smiling as he did it.

As he looked up, he saw that Kanan was smiling, too, and he felt a rush of warmth through the Force, like the feeling of laying down in a patch of sunlight.

“What?” he asked.

“Nothing,” Kanan said.  “It’s just nice to know you’re happy.”

“Thanks, I guess,” Ezra said, not knowing what he was actually supposed to say to that.

“So, are you going to name this one?” Kanan asked.

“I don’t know yet,” Ezra said.  “I guess I’ll see if he sticks around.”

Most of the animals that took a liking to Ezra and followed him would stay for a day or two before going back to their regular lives once they were no longer curious about the two humans who’d started living nearby.  A few of them stuck around longer than that, and even though Ezra never thought of them as _pets_ , some of them had names.

Kanan put an arm around Ezra’s shoulders and squeezed tightly, causing Ezra to look up at him in confusion again.

“You’re being really weird this morning,” Ezra said.

“It’s not weird,” Kanan said.  “I just -- I haven’t sensed you feeling this content in a while.”

Ezra’s face fell, a thread of doubt and worry making its way through his mind.

“I probably won't stay that way forever,” he said.

“I know,” Kanan said, running his hand over Ezra’s hair again.  “And no one expects you to.”

Ezra ducked away from Kanan again to set the loth-cat down on his bed.  Once he had, he turned back to Kanan and slid his arms around his master’s chest.  Kanan seemed surprised for a second before he returned Ezra’s embrace.

“What’s this for?” Kanan asked.

“I don’t know,” Ezra said.  “Just…thanks.  For everything.  I mean it.”

“I know you do,” Kanan said.  “And I’m your dad.  It’s my job.”


	4. Kyber

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahsoka tries to help Ezra, but he can't accept yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: references to major injury and child abuse

Ezra smiled as he brought his lightsaber down, the red blade halting a few inches from Ahsoka’s chest.  He stepped back and switched off the weapon as she stood up, dusting some dirt from her clothes.

“You’re doing pretty well for someone who was laid up in a medcenter not that long ago,” she said before grabbing one of the canteens of water they’d left on a nearby stone and taking a long gulp from it.

“Kanan and I have been training together again,” Ezra said, sitting down on the ground as his left hand jumped to his sore right shoulder.  “But we’ve had to take the physical stuff pretty slow.”

“Good,” Ahsoka said, sitting down beside him.  “For you right now, slow is good.”

Ezra gave a small, frustrated sigh, even though he knew she was right.  Sparring didn’t always make him wake up the next morning in pain anymore, but it still wasn’t as easy as it used to be.  Ezra was still building up muscle tone he’d lost during his weeks in the bacta tank and the time he spent largely confined to a bed after waking up, and the scar tissue on his chest still ached at times.  The lightning…that had been different.  It hadn't been the same as normal electricity.  It had the same effects, but there was something else to it.  Something dark and twisted that left Ezra feeling like he’d been infected with something.  Whatever it was had settled into Ezra’s mind, making the days that he already felt like he was drowning even worse.

“I was a little surprised you two left the _Ghost_ ,” Ahsoka said, “but you’re taking to the isolation pretty well.”

“I spent almost six years living on an asteroid base with Maul,” Ezra said with a shrug.  “I think I’ve got the hang of this hermit thing.”

As he said it, he wondered when he’d begun speaking about his time with Maul so casually.  He knew it hadn't been sudden, but it was becoming something he could just bring up in a conversation.  It hurt, and he knew it was unlikely it would ever stop hurting, but the pain was becoming more bearable.

“I guess so,” Ahsoka said.  Her expression shifted to a thoughtful one and Ezra could sense her hesitation as she spoke again.  “You know, there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.”

“What?” Ezra asked, a nervous buzzing suddenly welling up in his chest.

“Your lightsaber,” Ahsoka said.

“What about it?” Ezra asked.

Ahsoka set her own weapons on the ground between the two of them.

“When I built these,” she said, “I took the kyber crystals from an Inquisitor’s lightsaber.  They’d been corrupted by the dark side, and before I could use them, I had to purify them.”

“Is that why your blades are white?” Ezra asked.

“I think they’re white because I’m not a Jedi,” Ahsoka said.  “But who knows why the crystals do what they do, really?”

Ezra stared down at the weapons that lay in the grass between them.  He had a feeling he knew what Ahsoka was getting at.

“If you want,” Ahsoka said, “I could show you how to purify your crystal.  You wouldn’t have to carry that reminder around with you all the time.”

Ezra turned his own lightsaber over in his hands, somehow both examining every inch of it and not really looking at it.  He could feel the sparks of life inside the crystal enclosed within the metal.  He remembered when Maul had first given him the crystal, how he’d had to fight for control over it, against the influence of its previous owner.  He remembered who its previous owner had been, and how Maul had seemed almost reluctant to hand it to him.  He remembered… _Someone should use it.  It’s only fitting that it’s you._

“I don’t know if I can do it,” Ezra said.  “Not yet.  It’s -- it’s all I have left that connects me to my past and to _him_.  The only thing except…”

He gestured vaguely at his face, indicating his eyes.  After all this time, the yellow tinge that had spread out from his pupils was still there, and he was beginning to wonder if it would ever fade.

“I don’t even know why I care,” Ezra said.  “I shouldn’t.  I should want him gone completely, but…but I don’t know if he ever will be.  He’ll always be there, in my head, but at least this way, it’s…there’s some physical proof he was there, so I’ll never feel like I don’t have a reason to feel this way.”

As he said it, it made even less sense than it had in his head.  He still had his scars, after all.  They were just as much a physical reminder of Maul as his eyes and the red blade.

“It’s okay,” Ahsoka said, “I understand.”

“I don’t,” Ezra muttered.  “It doesn’t make any sense.”

“It was six years of your life,” Ahsoka said.  “It makes sense that you wouldn’t want to just erase everything that came from that.  And building your lightsaber is a big step.  I’m sure changing it like this would be difficult.  You don’t have to do it if you’re not ready.”

Ezra’s hands tightened around his lightsaber, still staring down at it.  He’d been nine years old when he first built it.  He’d modified parts of it at times since then, but the crystal had remained unchanged after he’d bent it to his will.

“I can still show you,” Ahsoka said.  “That way if you ever change your mind and I’m not there, you can still do it.”

“How?” Ezra asked.

“I can let you feel what I felt and what I did when I purified my crystals,” she said.  “But you’d have to let me in.”

Ezra kept staring downward, his stomach churning nervously as he avoided Ahsoka’s gaze.  Ever since Maul had broken into his mind, no one had been inside his head like that.  His bond with Kanan wasn’t the same.  It was just contact, like Kanan’s hand on his shoulder.  Even if Kanan could sense his emotions and even occasionally get a vague sense of his thoughts, Kanan never intruded and went deeper than what the bond allowed him to access.

“Would it be easier if Kanan was here?” Ahsoka asked.

“Yes,” Ezra said, “but I don’t want to have to explain to him why I can't just do it now.”

“I have an idea,” Ahsoka said.

She picked up one of her ‘sabers and held it out to Ezra.  He set his own weapon aside and carefully took hers.

“Try listening to the crystal,” Ahsoka said.  “It can probably tell you about as much as I can.”

Ezra nodded, closing his eyes and reaching out with his mind.  He could feel Ahsoka’s crystal just as easily as he could feel his own.  It was a bright, shining light that radiated the warmth of a beam of sunlight that was almost _too_ hot.  Beneath that light, hidden by it but not erased, Ezra could feel the cracks.  Not physical cracks.  He would have described them as mental ones if the crystal had a mind in that sense.  He could feel where that light and heat had overwhelmed the crystal, sealing over the cracks, driving out the darkness.  He could feel the soft sense of relief as the crystal had been taken from the wreckage of a destroyed lightsaber, into the hand of the person it truly belonged to.

Ezra opened his eyes again, staring down at the weapon in his hand.  It was so much simpler for a crystal than for a person.

“I can't,” he said.  “I’m sorry.  I just can't do it.”

“It’s okay,” Ahsoka said, her hand reaching out and briefly covering his.  “But now you know how.”

“Thanks,” Ezra said, setting the lightsaber down and running his fingers through the grass in front of him.  “For showing me, and…and for not pushing me to just do it.”

“I understand why you can't,” Ahsoka said.  “And you’ve had more than enough to deal with without people trying to make you move on before you’re ready.”

Ezra kept his gaze fixed on the ground, not knowing what to say.  Talking to Ahsoka was still so much harder than talking to Kanan or Hera ever was.

Ezra flinched instinctively when he saw movement out of the corner of his eye as Ahsoka stood up.  His face grew hot with embarrassment as he realized what he’d done.

“Come on,” Ahsoka said, extending a hand to help him to his feet.  “Best two out of three.”


	5. Jedi Knight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanan's known for a long time that Ezra is ready for the final step.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: child abuse (in flashbacks)

The dark stone that made up the Sith temple towered above Kanan, extending so high he couldn’t see the top of the pyramid.  Just ahead of him, he could see Ezra, his shoulders raised in an instinctively submissive posture as Maul towered over him.

“Get away from him!” Kanan shouted as he rushed forward.  But neither Maul nor Ezra gave any sign that they could hear him.

“You are not a Jedi,” Maul said, the harshness of his voice making Ezra flinch.  “You are _my_ apprentice.  And unless you accept that, you will only continue to fail.”

Ezra shook his head, shuddering as Maul put a hand on his shoulder.  Kanan wanted to run at Maul, push him away, force that monster to keep his hands off of Ezra, but something wouldn’t let him get any closer than he already was.

“You have always belonged to the dark side,” Maul said, “and to me.  Denying it has only made you weaker.”

“No,” Ezra said.

“Stop fighting it, Ezra,” Maul said, his grip on Ezra’s shoulder growing tighter.  “Accept your destiny, accept your power.”

“No!”

“Embrace who you truly are, son.”

Ezra’s hand shot out, reaching toward the temple.  As Kanan watched, a stone rose up, revealing itself to be a door.  Ezra’s fury pulsed through the air, slamming against Kanan like the heavy winds of Lothal’s dust storms.

“Ezra, no!” he shouted.  But still Ezra couldn’t hear him.

Kanan could do nothing but watch as Ezra followed Maul through the door and let it slam back into place, cutting him off from Kanan.

Finally, Kanan could move again and rushed forward, reaching for the door.  He couldn’t leave Ezra alone with Maul; not again.  He couldn’t let Ezra be dragged back into the darkness.  He couldn’t fail his padawan -- his _son_ \-- again.

Before Kanan could reach the temple, he was falling through an endless stretch of darkness.  His knees buckled as he hit the ground, finding himself in a dark corridor.  Before he could get his bearings, he heard a familiar voice screaming “No!”

Ezra’s voice came from behind the door directly in front of Kanan, who pushed it open only to freeze as he stepped through it.  He was in a dark, bare cell.  Ezra was on the ground, his hands cuffed, with Maul pinning him in place with one knee digging into his back.  Kanan could hear the sound of his own screams echoing through the air as he watched Ezra frantically trying to break away from Maul’s hold on him.

“He deserves this, Ezra,” Maul said, a calm, almost paternal tone to his voice that made Kanan want to tear him apart.  “He stripped you of your power, your purpose, everything that made you who you are.  He made you weak because he only saw you as a threat.”

“That’s not true!” Ezra cried.

As another scream echoed through the air, Ezra screamed, too, slamming his head against the floor.  Maul pressed a hand over Ezra’s mouth, the other closing around the back of Ezra’s neck.  Kanan could see tears forming in Ezra’s eyes as he fought to break free.

“No!” Ezra shouted, his voice muffled.  “Kanan!”

“I’m here!” Kanan called.  “I’m okay!”

But it was no use.  Ezra couldn’t hear him.  Kanan reached out, trying to make even the smallest physical contact with Ezra, but before he could touch the kid, the vision faded away.  Kanan was standing in the Atollon desert, beside one of the sensors that marked the boundary.  Everything seemed peaceful, calm, and Kanan dared to let himself hope that his nightmares of Ezra in pain were over.

As Kanan stared out at the horizon, trying to steady his pounding heart, a deep, blood-red glow spread through the air.  He turned around to see Ezra, kneeling on the ground, his eyes closed.  In front of him, the Sith holocron hovered in the air, the corners twisting away as it opened, casting that sickly red light across the sand.

“Ezra, don’t,” Kanan said, his voice quiet.  He knew now that Ezra wouldn’t hear him.

Ezra opened his eyes, staring into the light of the holocron, the red glow drowning out the blue and yellow of his irises.

Kanan averted his gaze, unable to watch.  He knew he was dreaming, but he couldn’t wake up, and he couldn’t do anything to change what he saw.

The red light faded and darkness fell.  Kanan was standing in the desert, but it was so different from Atollon.  It was harsher, with sand stretching out as far as the eye could see, the horizon not broken up by coral formations or desert plant life.  Only one thing stood out against the night sky.  Ezra was on his knees, Maul standing over him, holding a hand out toward him.

“Come with me, Ezra,” Maul said.

Kanan couldn’t tear his gaze away, couldn’t even shout for Ezra to stop as the boy reached out, taking Maul’s hand, letting himself be guided up off the ground.  As Ezra stood, he ignited his lightsaber, stabbing the red blade through Maul’s chest.

“I didn’t want to have to do this,” Ezra said, his voice breaking.  “It shouldn’t have ended like this.”

As the vision -- and that’s what Kanan now understood it was, not just a dream, but a _vision_ \-- faded, Kanan found himself kneeling on the floor of the now-destroyed Jedi temple, where he’d waited for Ezra the first time they’d gone there together.

_Caleb._

Kanan jumped at the sound of the voice.  His master’s voice, just as real and painful as it had been that day in the temple.

_He’s ready, Caleb.  You know he is._

“Ready for what?” Kanan asked.

_For everything you’ve been preparing him for._

“He’s still just a kid,” Kanan said, realizing what his master was saying.

_And he’s faced more trials than most._

Kanan knew she was right.  Ezra had been turned to the dark side at such a young age, and he’d managed to escape.  He’d been faced with chance after chance to return to it, and every time, he’d struggled and fought to break free of it.  He’d been forced into an impossible situation where he’d had to kill his former master, and he’d come out the other side of it even more damaged than before, but still standing.

_You’ll have to let him go eventually, Caleb.  But that doesn’t mean you’ll lose him._

“I know, Master,” Kanan said.  “I just wish you were here to see this.”

_I’ll be there with you, Caleb.  Always._

As Kanan’s eyes opened, he was greeted by darkness.  He reached out a hand and felt the wall of the cabin he and Ezra were staying in beside him.  The series of visions were still fresh in his mind; images of Ezra suffering as if Kanan had needed reminding of it.  He knew what it meant, what he had to do.  What he didn’t know was how to approach Ezra about it.

* * *

 

Ezra found Kanan sitting in the grass outside of the cabin, clearly deep in thought.  Ezra could sense the conflict and uncertainty that clouded the air around him.

“What’s wrong?” Ezra asked as he knelt down beside Kanan.  He could tell there was something, probably another nightmare.

Kanan was quiet for a moment before answering, and Ezra could feel him thinking through what he wanted to say.

“I had a vision,” Kanan said, his voice even as he chose his words carefully.  “About something I know I should have done months ago.”

“What?” Ezra asked, a sudden spike of anxiety making his stomach twist itself into knots.  He knew it couldn’t be anything _that_ bad.  Kanan wouldn’t do anything to hurt him; he _knew_ that.  But Kanan wasn’t usually so cryptic, and it only solidified Ezra’s certainty that something was wrong.

“There’s something that you’re ready for,” Kanan said.  “Just don’t be scared, okay?”

That did nothing to calm the nervous buzzing in Ezra’s chest.  As Kanan stood up, Ezra saw that he was holding his lightsaber.  He froze where he sat, some gut instinct telling him to stay where he was.

A _snap-hiss_ cut through the quiet morning air as Kanan ignited his lightsaber.  Ezra tilted his head curiously to one side, his eyes fixed on the glowing blue blade.  His muscles tensed up for a moment as Kanan brought the blade down, stopping just an inch above Ezra’s shoulder.  Ezra breathed deeply and forced himself to relax.  He knew Kanan wouldn’t hurt him.

“By the right of the Council,” Kanan said, with the air of someone reciting words he knew by heart, “by the will of the Force, Ezra Bridger, you may rise.”

Kanan raised his lightsaber in a brief salute before switching the blade off and holding out a hand to Ezra.  For a moment, Ezra could only stare as he tried to find his voice again.

“Does this mean what I think it does?” he asked.

“Yes,” Kanan said.  “It does.”

“But I’m -- I’ve only been training with you for a few years,” Ezra said, taking Kanan’s hand and stumbling to his feet.  “And I’m still -- I’m not old enough, am I?”

“Ezra, you’ve experienced more in a few years than some Jedi do in a lifetime,” Kanan said.  “You’ve faced the darkness over and over again and you have more reasons than most people to embrace it, but you keep walking away from it.”

“Not always,” Ezra said.

“But you’ve always come back from it,” Kanan said.  “No matter how close you got.  You were more than ready for this, Ezra, and I am so proud of you.”

“I --”

Ezra’s voice broke off.  He didn’t know what to say.  He hadn’t been expecting this to happen now.  He wasn’t sure if he’d been expecting it to happen _ever_.  In spite of what Kanan and Ahsoka both said, Ezra had always had doubts that he could ever be the Jedi that Kanan believed he could be.  But now he was.  He knew it, and not just because Kanan said so.  He could _feel_ something that had shifted in the Force.

Ezra threw his arms around Kanan, his face burning with embarrassment as he realized he was shaking slightly.  Kanan’s arms closed around him, holding him close.

“Thank you, Master,” Ezra said, his voice breaking again.

For a moment, Ezra stayed where he was, letting himself just feel Kanan’s arms around him, hearing Kanan’s heart beating steadily in his chest.  He knew he wasn’t the only one who’d faced trial after trial over the past few years.  They both had, and they’d both made it to this point, together.

Ezra was the first one to pull away, stepping back and swiping away the tears that had formed in his eyes before they could fall.

“You know,” he said, trying to force his voice to sound normal in spite of the onslaught of emotions in his head, “if I’m a real Jedi Knight now, I guess that means you’re not really my master anymore.”

Kanan gave an exaggerated sigh.

“What have I done?” he asked.

Kanan was clearly joking, just as Ezra had been, but Ezra still felt a sharp pang of guilt.

“But that doesn’t mean…just, what I said after Yarma is still true,” Ezra said.  “I’ll always need you.”

“And I’ll always be here,” Kanan said, putting a hand on Ezra’s shoulder.  “You're still my kid.  This doesn’t change that.”

“I know,” Ezra said.  He hesitated for a moment, unsure of how Kanan would react to what he had to say next.

“Kanan,” he said, “you know that mission Sabine told us about?  The one she’s leaving for in a few days?  I think…I think I should be there.  I feel like I’m supposed to be.”

For a moment, Kanan said nothing, simply taking in what Ezra had said.  Ezra knew he hadn't been expecting it, and quietly waited to hear what he thought.

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Kanan asked.

“It’s just a milk run,” Ezra said.  “Minimal danger.”

“Do you remember how many of our so-called ‘milk runs’ have ended with us getting shot at?” Kanan said.

“I’ll be fine,” Ezra said.  “But only if you’re okay with me doing this.”

“Ezra, you don’t need my permission,” Kanan said.  “If you think you’re ready, then so do I.  Just promise me you’ll be careful.”

“I promise,” Ezra said.  “I’ll be okay, Dad.”


End file.
